Published in
Child Development
Authors
Karey L. O’Hara · C. Aubrey Rhodes · Sharlene A. Wolchik · Irwin N. Sandler · Jenn Yun-Tein
Funded by
National Institute of Mental Health · National Institute on Drug Abuse · National Institute of Child Health and Human Development
What question does this research answer, and why does it matter?
We already know that when there is conflict between parents, children tend to have worse mental health. What we understand far less well is why. This study asked three questions:
- When conflict between parents is high, do children have more fear of being abandoned by one or both parents?
- In turn, does an increase in that fear lead to worse mental health problems?
- Does a good parent–child relationship protect against that fear when conflict is high?
These questions matter because the answers tell us what to build. If we know the mechanism, we can design programs that target it directly.
How was the research conducted?
We used reports from 559 children aged 9 to 18 whose parents had divorced or separated within the last few years, drawn from the New Beginnings Program. We followed them over time and tested whether fear of abandonment sat in the middle of the path between parent conflict and later mental health problems — and whether the strength of the parent–child relationship changed that path.
What are the major findings?
Fear of abandonment is one explanation for why parent conflict increases children’s mental health problems. Children more exposed to parent conflict at the start of the study were more likely to report fearing abandonment by one or both parents three months later. In turn, those children were more likely to report more mental health problems three months after that — above and beyond what we would have predicted from their earlier mental health.
Was anything surprising?
Yes. A good parent–child relationship did not protect children from fearing abandonment when conflict was high. That is surprising, because good parenting is normally a strong and reliable protective factor for children, especially after a stressful family change. One reading is that good parenting remains protective in general, but is not on its own enough to cancel out the effect of conflict the child is watching.
What’s the takeaway for parents?
Parents have a great deal of power to protect their children here. The clearest step is to avoid arguing in front of them. It can help to picture a protective shield, and to bring that image to mind whenever you are around the other parent and conflict is possible.
It also matters not to say things that make children feel caught in the middle. That obviously includes criticising the other parent — “your mom is so irresponsible” — but the subtler versions count too: asking a child to pass messages (“tell your father this…”), asking them to report back (“who else was at mommy’s today?”), or even a loaded aside like “so what did you have for dinner at your father’s? Pizza again?” Finally, tell children directly and often that they will always be loved and cared for.
What happens next?
The most important next step is building programs that help children cope with parent conflict directly, rather than only working with the parents.